×Hates×
ur mom
Hunter "Patch" Adams: So what now huh? What do you want from me? (looks over the cliff) Yeah I could do it. Both know you wouldn't stop me. So answer me please. Tell me what you're doing. Okay lets look at the logic. You create man. Man suffers enormous amounts of pain. Man dies... Heh, maybe you should've had just a few more brain storming sessions prior to creation. You rested on the seventh day, maybe you should have spent it on compassion. (looks over the cliff again.) You know what? You're not worth it.
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I want to die....a slow painful death.....Right now I feel all jagged inside I feel like crying...I dont know why. I feel like screaming, I dont know why. I feel like hurting something and again I dont know why. I have a panicky little butterfly inside of me it wants to be let free....but I have to hold it a little longer just in case. I feel ill right now. I dont understand what is going on...I feel really fucked up about that part. I got in Teacher Cadets. That was the highlight of my day thus far everything else was downhill in retrospect....I went to the daycare center and the children they loved me. Of course they loved me I am Miss Amanda and cant do wrong in their eyes.It's not so bad working with children they make me feel really good and u cant cry ur eyes out when u have a smiling two year old in your arms now can u...actually it makes it easier to WANT to but u simply dont b/c of them. It's strange. Then I went back to school...sat through my classes wanting to sleep but not being able to. One the way to 5th period Mr Huffman gave me my acceptance letter to Teacher Cadets and that was pretty cool. Brittany and Crystal made up at Lunch and are friends again. Then I went to 7th and found out I am passing math. This was good. Well I came home. Ate some spaghetti and ran to the computer to talk to the love of my life.He is having a bootleg day and I cant help him....I hate that feeling being helpless to the person u care most about in the world. I guess maybe he has to deal with things himself right now. I respect that. Everybody needs their space at times I wont pressure him into telling me stuff.He just said a few things that kind of made me panicky inside and made me want to cry for some unknown reason. Maybe b/c when he gets like this usually we dont talk for awhile at least it was kind of like that in the past. But one major thing is different now I am not yelling I want to sometimes but I dont...it's not worth losing the person I love for a few seconds of spiteful satisfaction. I dont want to be known as the cold black hearted girl anymore...I want to be happy. I want to be able to brighten others days when I cant brighten my own. Which can be quite often....*LoL* I just cant be angry anymore b/c there isnt anybody else to be angry at. No matter what when ur angry odds are ur the one that made the problem the way it is and u just suck it up and deal. Like people u dont like they probably dont like you so dont go out of ur way to be nice to them but dont be an ass either just be courteous but not an ass kisser. I dunno sooo much stuff man. I thank god for those 2 year olds they keep me grounded. Right now I am just confused. About what I dont know...I am really nervous about tommorrow but in the best way possible. I mean if I had doubts I wouldnt even do it. But I dont. My only thing is the relationship better NOT end like Crystal's b/c I would be like devastated...and just I dunno. I gave up James and he keeps calling. But I just dont want him. I want to stab Christy literally with every fiber of my being I hate that girl I want her to just evaporate off of the planet and just dissappear. I want to erase my mistakes and just fix everything. But I cant, nope nope nope. So the best thing to do I suppose...it learn from my mistakes and better myself b/c of them. Maybe I need to start praying more. I wear Jason's cross everyday and pray before bed maybe I need to pray more often??? I wish I was a psychic mind reader and could just know everything. I will write more in a few......thank you loyal readers