×Hates×
ur mom
Parrish: I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
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Ok yall sorry I havent updated in a few days, I have been dreadfully busy with planning my lesson plan for the 50% of my final grade...which is teaching the class I attend. everybody in the class has a go at it, however since this lil mama is an upperclassmen she has to go first to set an example. The lesson I have to cover is Weathering and Erosion, which by the way is a whole chapter broken into 4 parts...of which I had to do a comprehensive outline for. Well the outline is 7 pages long and I believe I was able to dumb it down enough even the most ignorant person in my class can comprehend it. But enough about that...
I didnt get to see my Jasers this weekend and I am all sad about it...but he is coming next weekend and that I am VERY VERY VERY happy about. I miss him so much. It's really crazy sometimes...like I have to take a step back from everything b/c I cant believe how good things are with him. I am not complaining whatsoever though, I just cant believe how amazing he is, and that this amazing person loves me. I used to be one of those people who didnt feel like they deserved to have anyone love them, but being with Jase has changed that, I feel like I should be loved and love in return. He makes me feel like I am a princess, he treats me sooo good. I cant wait to move in with him. He is everything to me. Oh how I miss him being close to me....I live for seeing him. He is so interesting and so wonderful. He always gets where I am coming from...
UNLIKE MY FRIENDS...lately they've just been making me feel like cutting off ties with them. I feel completely cut off from them, and it makes me mad as hell b/c Kim is my very best friend, for like ever it has been that way and then back in November we added Monica to the dynamic duo thus turning it into the 3 musketeers I guess you could say.... but in the past 2 weeks I feel as though it has reverted back into the dynamic duo, except it is Kim and Monica...leaving me out completely. They always have plans now...and I am not ever really invited unless I bring it up. Like this past Friday I was supposed to go with Kim to Janie's. Well friday came and went and well...I didnt get a call...and I talked to Janie and Kim was there and so was Monica...I dunno maybe I just cant get along with girls. But it fucking pissed me off.. it wasnt really a big thing but it was like all these little things just added up and Friday night I was ready to be like fuck everybody....I talked to Jason about it and he thinks I should bring it up to them but I already know how it would go if I did...they would tell me I am wrong and they arent doing any such thing and then continue leaving me out of plans...It makes me want to cry knowing that my best friends can be so heartless and not even realize how much it is upsetting me. Sometimes I wish I could go to school and ignore them and make them feel one tenth of how hurt and left out and FUCKING INVISIBLE I feel right now...But I unfortunately cant be that mean...I hate myself for it I wish I could just be so calm cool and collective about hurting ppl. Like Thursday I was talking to Chad in the front office while waiting for appeal forms and Monica came in, I tried making conversation with her...and then she just kind of had this aloof attitude with me...Then when she went to leave she said bye to Chad but not me...However for the record I said bye to her...I know it sounds petty and I feel stupid even bringing that up. But little things bother me, and I am a person who notices little things and remember this...it is always the little things that count. I feel like I dunno completely played. Jase told me I should tell them to just fuck off and find new people to hang with. I wish it were that easy. I figure one day karma will get them for this. I wonder if they even know how bad I feel...would they care?? Why do I care? I am talking to Janie and she also thinks I should talk it out with them....but I would rather talk it out with Kim b/c Monica really makes me uncomfortable. I just get a really fucked up feeling around her....like she is trying to get Kim to hate me or something....Oh well I think I better quit letting my imagination get the better of me and just talk to Kim, I dont really feel like talking to Monica, I did before and no good came of it. really none whatsoever. Oh well.
Janie is telling me about getting high for the first time this weekend. She smoked with Kim and Monica. I dunno getting high is one of those things that are like take it or leave it with me. I have to really be in a mood to get high. Like people who get high ALL THE TIME...how do they do it??? I hate the slow motion walking through water feeling of weed. For me it makes sleep damn near impossible. Some people can pass out when they are high. I cant do it. I like the euphoric feeling I get off of a high. That omnipotent feeling. The most fucked up shit could be happening to you and you feel ok about it...now that's what I call that enlightenment. I like how sometimes when ur high, u believe you are beautiful, and everyone around you is beautiful...and everybody is happy..I love the happy giggly feeling some highs give you. I like not having to think about shit that bothers me....b/c there is a lot of shit that bothers me deep down. I hate thinking about that shit. I'd like to be high with Jason...it wouldnt be a fall asleep or do something stupid high...it'd be a beautiful one...maybe he'd open up completely to me and I to him...
God I feel like I should stop typing but at the same time I have so much to write...I am having a feel bad for myself day...I hate those. They arent as bad as they used to be though. I need somebody here now who can wipe all the pain away....it is funny how when people are hurt they run to me to be a friend, an ear, a psychatrist...but when I am sad I am left with myself...and Jase but he isnt here right now....those friends I help couldnt even care if I was happy or not as long as they are...then that is all that matters...
Shit at home is fucked up. My dad is gone and my mom is crazy and I have 2 brothers who I sometimes wish would dissappear....My mom is one of those people who...loves me but I sometimes feel doesnt LIKE me...that isnt true, but it appears that way sometimes.I feel like a giant failure these days. I cant keep school up, I cant even stay in school 1/2 the time....I feel like nobody likes me and the pedistool I have been put on will crash down...I feel like I will be alone...sometimes I am afraid to show who I really am, because if I show everybody who I really am, they might not like it--and that's all I got. And maybe I just cant handle that kind of rejection. I cpuldnt handle people not liking me. I couldnt handle not being popular, I couldnt Jason not loving me, I couldnt handle being alone...why??? Because that would simply mean I wasnt good enough, I would feel like second best....I would feel like I had failed...like I wasnt worthy...like I was invisible...
I am glad things arent like that. Writing about this is very theraputic...I feel better now....I have to go tell everyone I love them....while leaving myself exposed...naked even with this entry...enjoy I always do...really though, I feel better writing this out instead of bottling it up like I have been.