×Hates×
ur mom
Seth: Why don't you just back the fuck up man. To this place? What is that shit? Ok right now, all over this great nation of ours 100,000 white kids from the suburbs are cruising around downtown asking every black person they see, you got any drugs? You know where I could score some drugs? THINK about the effect that has on the psyche of a black person, on his possibilities. God I guarantee you bring a 100,000 black kids and bring um into your neighborhood and they're asking every white person they see, You got any drugs? You know where I could score some drugs? Within a day, everybody would be selling, your friends, their kids, here's why, it's an unbeatable market for us man, it's a 300% market value, you can go on the street and make $500 in two hours and do whatever you want with the rest of your day. I'm sorry and you're telling me that white people would still be going to law school.
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Hmmm....how true guys. Man this week has enjoyed fucking with me I am just moody as all motherfucking hell...I am angry that I am not having sex...Mood swings due to lack of sex....my friend Gina used to tell me she'd get bitchy without it and I thought she was a liar...man she wasnt I am all tense and bitchy without sex. I snap at everybody...it fucking sucks this weekend needs to hurry up I need some fucking relief, sorry for all the cursing...I am frustrated....AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Well today I got pimp car back. I came home from school and there it was sitting there...sexy and shiny in my driveway...I was sooooooooo happy....I missed that car. I was depressed without that car, that car is my life. Nothing makes me feel like driving with wind in my hair and a great song as my theme...flying in and out of traffic...it's euphoric...I missed that free feeling of just flying...I wont be flying as much due to a pretty court date in May but you get the picture...
School...well I missed 21 days...a record is it not? I have to appeal and make up time on saturdays...8-11 am...after school and here's the clincher...OVER SPRING FUCKING BREAK...no fun in the sun for me, not at all I have to make up time...this is gay. I hate everybody. My mom is the reason I missed so much, it'd look cloudy and she'd say, well...stay home and I would and BAM..now I am in over my head in make up days, none of my fucking friends have to appeal...those fuckers skip 24/7 and that really erks me..I mean damn...Oh well if I wanna pass...I have to make up the time and I cant miss another day even if I was in my death bed. Oh well I have lost my need to stay home anyways, I rather enjoy going to school...I am understanding math, and doing quite well in my classes...so far this nine weeks.... I am gonna bust my ass to pass the geometry course from hell....so I can go to the Algebra II course from hell...go me...Well appealing I figured some of it out..1/4th period I am 5 class periods over so therefore I have to make it up during 1st since I cant go to my daycare center...3rd period I am 4 over, I get to stay after school with my teacher to appeal those, my 7th period I missed 2 over, so I stay on a tuesday and thursday and go to tutoring and make up time (two birds with one stone)...and 11 class periods made up right there. I know I missed a lot of 6th and maybe a few 5th periods but I could always go in on a saturday or stay after school to make them up. 2nd period is a thank god class b/c the teacher lost her grade book and I am under or at 8 absences..so I *might* not have to appeal her class...but every other class I have to go and appeal. But Mrs. Vallery is cool and will work with me. Wrecking my car and missing 2-3 days really did it I was under my absences in a few classes...and that week just really fucked me over.
Well today Monica and Kim skipped....that is a shame. Kim got drunk and is now sick. That sucks. She drank 2 40's she is gonna be soooooo hungover tommorrow.
Yesterday made me feel so bad my mom was sitting there talking about how proud she was that I was a virgin and I felt like shit....b/c as we have read I am not...I felt horrible and cried and shit. This year my mom knows nothing about how I am and I feel really bad...She doesnt know I get drunk, high, have sex....anything. I feel fucking horrible about that. I used to be so real with my mom and now..she knows nothing about me. I need to get on birth control and I know this shit, but she'll only put me on it after my birthday and I dont have the nerve to tell her that I need it now. I mean Jase and I use condoms and are safe in our sex, but I feel I should get birth control and I just cant being myself to tell my mom everything b/c she would treat me horrible if she knew and she'd be dissappointed in me and think I was a failure and and I'd feel and that'd make me want to die....so I cant tell her...I dont want to look bad in her eyes. She puts me on this pedistool that I just cant live up to...I fail everytime I try, I cant be Prom Queen like her, I cant be a straight A student like her, I cant be perfect like her...I give up I am a normal person, I make F's and oh yeah I am far from perfect....I'm not as pretty as my mom, and I feel like I am in some kind of competition with her, she is always comparing herself to me and I just dont measure up.
And this week I've been some kind of psycho bitch to Jason and I dont understand why I am being mean to the one person who loves me. I am just feeling like a loser or something this week. I am having a I feel like I look like an ugly girl week. And I just want to be pretty and I love the compliments and I am just worried about Jason and he just dont give a fuck about anything man, and I wish I could be like that, but I was and all it got me was having to spend a spring break at school. I am scared some girl is gonna take Jason away from me....he is soooo sexy...I'd fucking kill some girl if she tried to take my boyfriend....I would fuck the bitch up...thinking about it just sends my adrenaline racing and makes me want to just fucking kick somebodies ass...I still wanna kick that Christy bitches ass....not b/c she is a threat but it would make me feel better...I am a jealous girlfriend. I wonder if that means I am insecure????? Never know. I just love Jason sooo much I'd die if we broke up....he is everything to me.
I was reading my written diary...and I noticed in the winter I always get fucked up, not high, but I go through crazy emotional shit...my biggest fear is becoming like my mom, I love her but she is paranoid and doesnt let herself be real she is trapped in herself I dont want to be like her, it makes me cry thinking I could end up like that, she is a bitter mean woman....she hates everybody, my biggest fear is I will be like her and end up alone b/c I am a mean person. I mean I already cant wait to get away from her and be on my own....makes me feel better to know unlike her....I can get out of this house. I want to make something of myself, not just be some barefoot pregnant housewife...I want to graduate, go to college and have a real job....and I realize if I keep doing dumb shit...I wont get that, I refuse to let my opportunities pass me by, I need to stop being lazy and just be real.....I am a smart person and I just dont do anything with it, b/c I am scared if I look smart people wont like me, but I am smart I wont try to hide it anymore, the people I try to look cool in front of have no futures b/c they gave up on themselves long ago and I dont want to be stuck in some dead end no good for nothing job. Mark my words, I will not be like that....
Well this is long enough...ttyl...sign the gb