×Hates×
ur mom
[voice-over] I'm pathetic, I'm a loser. I have failed, I am panicked. I've sold out, I am worthless, I... What the fuck am I doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? Fuck! It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of conviction that brings me here. Easy answers used to shortcut yourself to success. And here I am because my jump into the abysmal well - isn't that just a risk one takes when attempting something new? I should leave here right now. I'll start over. I need to face this project head on and...
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Today I went and got my dress altered...this prom shit is leaving me drained and just tired of everything...I cant wait for it to be over. I really cant...
Ok I saw Mariah's baby today and even though it was a cute baby...it gave me this panic attack..I saw this tiny little thing with ten fingers and toes and then I thought it could happen to me and then I thought about how Jason and I have been getting crazy with the sex and then I just freaked....I dont wanna baby right now or anytime soon either...I want soooo badly to tell my mom so I can get put on that patch thing...but I am a spineless coward and wont do it...This isnt good. I know since I am having sex I should be mature enough to tell my mother but I think if I told her she'd would kick me out of the house or take my car or forbid me to see Jason...I hate myself...That baby made me flip...I love children but, I dont want them and I KNOW I am not ready yet and God...I dunno...This sucks why cant I tell her?? Better yet I heard if you are under 12% body fat you CANT get pregnant...is this true??? I feel like I am about to throw up...maybe it is b/c I am stressing about stupid shit...
Things really havent been too good for me lately...I havent been getting along with my parents...I hate my Dad..He refuses to pay for my college and feels if I wanna go I can go join the airforce...One I will not join the airforce and he can go to hell if he thinks I ever would. He is only doing this because I am planning on moving out with Jason and he is being a bitch...I am tired of his shit man. I mean I argued with the man on Easter sunday...that is pathetic. And get this when he comes back from this trip, he goes on another one and will not be here for Senior Prom or Graduation...So FUCK HIM...let him try to take my car, I'll say it's fucking payback for not coming to his first born only daughter's graduation and then I'll empty my college fund and keep the fucking money...then I will move the fuck out. SInce he is such a bastard.
My mom is a completely different story. Her shit is crazy. She slapped me quite a few times this week...and the bitch never said sorry...NEVER...it didnt hurt me, just my pride I guess...She figures if she buys me stuff that I'll forget how shitty she's been treating me. Like buying me some movies and blank cds makes everything better. I am tired of her today. My mom doesnt drive and it pisses me the fuck off, b/c since I wrecked my car and she doesnt drive and I am not allowed to touch the truck we go everywhere with her friends, b/c they have no lives. I hate feeling dependant on anyone, and if I do it should be my parents, but they are like 2 big kids...never really growing up...And it is pissing me off...I am more mature than my mom sometimes...I hate it.
And another thing everyone thinks I am some kind of bitch, I am but I have good fucking reason to be...I am about to tell you some crazy shit diary... about why I feel the world fucking owes me one...I feel short changed..
All my friends say I am just a really bitchy stuck up preppy girl. They dont know what hell my life has been. my freshman year was horrible..I cant even put into words how hard that year was for me and my family...That year I learned dont depend on ANYBODY...b/c if you want something to happen you have to make it happen yourself. I learned how fucked up my parents were...I was only a baby and I knew the meaning of soooo much fucking shit that kids shouldnt have to deal with...I dont want to say what happened it is embarrassing even to this day...I just learned a lot and I learned real hate then too...I hated my parents I thought they were selfish...They were, they sat there allowing themselves to feel bad and didnt try to fix it. That whole year I felt invisible. I mean I went through major surgery, I felt like an outcast b/c nobody knew what it was like to have to recover from things and feel different... Then finally right before my sophomore year hit, things changed and got better. I was healed, and then I made a promise to myself I wouldnt be like my parents, I wanted to be different then them, b/c I hated them. I dyed my hair blonde and did everything they didnt. I listened to rap b/c they hated it. I did drugs, b/c I could...I fucking went crazy. And funny thing is they had no idea what I was up to since denial is a funny thing. I was really depressed for a long time, and I hated myself for a long time...I feel like I cant keep friends, b/c I dont trust anybody....Nobody understands I am not just a bitch, I was made to be the way I am, I went through hardships and betrayals (not that he said she said shit...that is just a bunch of bull...) no the shit I went through just made me realize people in general cant be trusted....I cant be friends with girls, I dont trust them and rightly so, girls will backstab you quicker than you can blink an eye....I met Jason sophomore year...He is what made me actually start feeling real again, I was fucking myself up in a bad way, I was digging myself in a big ass hole...And then he started to pull me out, He gave me self confidence and just made me realize I wasnt a bad person, and everything wasnt my fault. I cant repay him enough for that...Then my dad started leaving on trips it put a strain on my mom and then she took everything out on me...my mom is a loose cannon and I am fucking scared I am gonna end up like her...she is really paranoid and thinks the worst of everything, I see those traits in myself, and I am fighting desparately to wipe them out. This year hasnt been so bad, I figure God is trying to make up for the past 2 years...rightfully so. A long time ago, I wondered what would happen if I wasnt here anymore if I just simply dissappeared...I was fucked up...I dont feel as bad anymore, I get sad sometimes, but not nearly as bad as things once were...The point to all of this is, dont judge a book by it's cover I guess...I am not ur cut and dry story of a bitch...I am not stuck up...I am guarded...I have been hurt, and it frustrates me I have noone to tell this to...nobody will ever fucking know what it was like for me not so long ago...How far I've come, I cant give words to the way I am feeling...I just hate people who really have good lives and fucking sit there and act like they have it soooooo goddamn hard...I would like to give them my life and let them have the hard times I went through...I guarantee you they wouldnt be bitching about anything anymore...They are sooo fucking stupid, not even getting to know me and hating me...not liking me for superficial reasons...I hate those people b/c they usually will never find out what it is like to cry urself to sleep what a really hard life is about. I am writing a lot, but this is the 1st time I have ever "spoken" about this I guess...it's been years bottled up and hating me...It feels kind of good to let some of it out.
The only really good thing is Jason that came out of this I love him so much, I told him everything and he still loves me....