×Hates×
ur mom
Parrish: I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
Josie: That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you are supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment, you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh and you wanna cry. Because you feel soo lucky that you found it, but so scared that it will go away all at the same time.
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Well let's see again this week has been a week I was just like shoot me during 90% of its duration. I've been feeling really depressed for no reason this week, I wonder if anybody could even tell. Probably not since they are all too absorbed in their own problems and mine are nothing but another thing for them to be pissed off at. Not that I really feel like telling anybody. This week I've just had an extreme lack of respect for myself. I dont like myself anymore. I go through these phases on again off again, but more and more often I think it could be a clinical thing with me. And if it is, I got it from my mother. She is really crazy, I think she's bipolar, and I think I inherited it from her. I dunno I go through mood swings where one minute I am ok, but the next I want to just go off somewhere and put an end to it all. I dont understand it, b/c I know I dont want to die but when I am sad it seems like it isnt so bad, but deep down even when I am sad I know I dont want to and I am just talking shit to myself. But this week it came out of left field and I think it is b/c of how shitty my mom's been treating me. I suppose I should elaborate on this subject.
The week started off really good. My case was dismissed and I dont have points on my insurance and my license is still intact and I dont have a speeding charge anymore. So that was good. Then I got out of class to do some work for my art teacher in which case covered some make up hours for appeals. And I got some new clothes and stuff. So at first it wasnt even all that bad.
Then like Jenny and Bryan were fighting and crazy stuff was getting brought up in their relationship, and since I am insecure I started thinking about me and Jase and then Christy. And then I got depressed and starting comparing myself to this girl he hates. I secretly think she is probably better than me, prettier than me, and he has a soft spot for her. This untrue and I know that, but I still drive myself crazy thinking she will take him away from me and I will be alone. That is the shit that drives me to do what I did next...
A few of my homegirls came over and then we took some pills, I found out later today from Joy that we *red trained* (someone please explain a definition to me of *red training*) And then I started getting more depressed about shit and started thinking about everything fucked up in my life and 3 pills turned into like 5 or 6 pills and then I wanted to die. And I ended up talking to Jason after they left and I bet I made myself look like a fucking fool....I dont even remember what I said. It is like I was in a trance or something. I felt like dying so I took more pills in my mom's medicine cabinet. Now I look back on this and realize that wasnt smart b/c I was by myself at the time and serious shit couldve went down but I didnt care at the time. I sat there staring at my ceiling watching it transform into all these different patterns and I saw everything in that ceiling, people, animals, you name it. I was in my own world sitting on the floor, feeling infinite in some wisdom. I felt like I had "the glow" (that of which that makes people something special) and then I crashed hard. I couldnt stop crying and I just hated myself. I dont know why I do the shit I do. I always think it will make me feel better, but in retrospect...it really doesnt.
Yesterday Kim and Monica skipped again...and got caught...AGAIN. And got 2 days suspension and once that happened, they decided to run away. During 7th period they skipped and then went to Monica's house and broke a window with a brick and stole $300 dollars and left. When I came home with my mom from getting pictures, the phone rang it was Monica's mom and so my mom hung up and then 2 minutes later there was a banging on the door and then Monica and Kim's mom were in front of us. There was some yelling and general aggrevation. And then they left. Now I am telling you, Kim and Monica are ungrateful bitches at times, b/c I cover for them and they fucking never called to tell me if they were even ok. I personally now hope they get thrown in jail b/c then it wouldnt be my fucking problem. It shouldnt be now, but they throw me in it over and over again. I am tired of that.
Now then my mom turned around and flipped out on me and then slapped me in my face. I am tired of her. She keeps on slapping me and look at the results....I hate her so much and dont trust her to the point I wont even come straight out and tell her I am having sex b/c she said she'd kick me out of the house. This is really unfair and I need a fucking job but for that I need my fucking car out the shop and only God knows when that thing is coming back but once I get it. I am getting a job and moving the fuck out. I have no reason to be around that bitch lately. She yells at me and hates me but deep down she knows how fucking stupid she must look since I am the only one of my friends not running away. (The only reason I dont is b/c my common sense tells me I wont make it and I dont have the funds to leave) Plain and simple, everyday it is easier to prepare to leave. I hate living here. I hate the people here. I hate everybody, everything, everyone. They all are hypocrites and I cant stand the way everyone is fake to everyone else. I hate how everyone tries to be picture perfect when inside they are just as fucked up as the next person....Nobody is better than anyone else when it come down to it, but I guess it is just about the mask you wear and how you wear it.
And Jason, my poor boyfriend.....I have been crazy to him b/c I am depressed. It isnt b/c of him, I cant explain it, and he cant fix it...I just want his love bottled up just for me...and I compete in my head with the ghost of girlfriend past. I trust him, just not girls around him. B/c every girl, yes EVERY girl has a little slut inside of her waiting to get out....God better help the bitch who brings hers out on my man....B/c girls really DONT care if a boy has a girlfriend b/c we all think,"hey...I can break them up" to ourselves...we play the game unfair, we play dirty...I know b/c when I wanted to get with Jason I didnt fucking care what was in my way....I was going to get him, he was motivation enough for me....but then again...I am highly motivated when it comes to him *lol*. So to all the girls out there, nobody is fooled even nice girls are like this, they just dont have the balls to admit to themselves that they want something, at least the rest of us do. I am happy I got my man, I love him and I know I'd fight anybody to keep him. I am not ashamed of this....this is my manifesto...
I am also stir crazy b/c of lack of sex....I get bitchy when I dont get it...I'll get it Saturday...I'll write more in a bit...gotta eat...(thick is in so eat more chicken), sign the g/b